you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
