i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
