good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
