Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
