everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
