So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
