He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
