i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
