Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
