So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
