don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
