Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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