bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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