If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
