Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
