why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
