so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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