i was born a porn star she said
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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