Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
