do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
