she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
