we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize