filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize