This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
