what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
