I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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