you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
