U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I just put wine in my tea
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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