The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I stole a fireplace last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
