nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize