I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
