so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
