it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
ok first of all what the fuck
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
