Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
