you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
