Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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