I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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