How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
