hotel room ftw
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
