I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize