Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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