I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
