Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
