Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
