Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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