A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
