Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
