P.S. I can't hear my feet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
