After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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