There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
