Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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