I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
