Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
