$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize