I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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