I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
